Grammy Stream of Consciousness Report
Some of this might make sense. Some of it might be funny, and some of it might be offensive. But it’s my Blog, so here goes with my first annual
Grammy Stream of Consciousness Report
Was PAULA ABDUL drunk? I saw her on the Grammy pre-show with the ET folks and she was either botoxed beyond belief or drunk as a skunk. Maybe both.
Neat GORILLAZ trick with MADONNA dancing around the cartoons. I was hoping for a little more Roger Rabbit tricks, but we got none. Sadly her live vocal bits and pieces were a bit lacking. And why on earth isn’t she wearing a headset microphone. She hasn’t had to dance AND sing in a while and you could hear it.
Stevie Wonder and Alicia keys should sing together all the time.
###BEST FEMALE VOCAL PERFORMANCE: Kelly Clarkson Since You’ve Been Gone. Lovely eyeliner stains down her cheeks as she was crying, but I’m happy as hell for her.
Where are SHERYL CROW’S breasts? And about GWEN STEFANI’s outfit “Watch out for that tree!”
Coldplay was just that; cold. They don’t do anything new to me. It seems like whatever they’re doing has been done before.
The Intel Centrino commercial with MARIAH CAREY was hysterical. They also used my favorite Mariah song; “Mine Again”.
JOHN LEGEND filmed in black and white during Ordinary Peopleand then fading into color was a neat trick. He sounded great.
SUGARLAND’s JENNIFER NETTLES sounded fantastic but there was some odd mic spill-through during the broadcast. I want her to do a solo Soul album.
###BEST COUNTRY ALBUM: Allison Krause and Union Station “lonely runs both ways” The only country album I reviewed last year *snap* Their speech was really short, but hey, wasn’t this her 14th Grammy.
I dislike Bono. He’s a little too big for his britches these days. If he cuts his hair and gets some new glasses I might like him more. I didn’t really enjoy U2 and MARY J BLIGE, but her braid crown is stellar. Mary was REALLY feeling it, but she sounds bad against U2 the band. The end was a mess. But go Mary. Live ya life girl.
###BEST RAP ALBUM: Late Registration Kanye West had this giant THANK YOU LIST card. Ugh. tacky.
KELLY CLARKSON’s performance of “Because of You” was beautiful as she basked in the fresh winner glow.
###BEST ROCK ALBUM: U2 How To Dismantle an Atomic Bomb
PAUL MCCARTNEY should have stayed home. Helter Skelter was awful. And if he won’t stay home, he should stay in the studio. Sorry Paul, much love, but I’m tellin’ the truft on this one.
BLACK EYED PEAS Fergie looked stunning. So did her botoxed forehead. Jennifer Love Hewett looked like Malibu Skipper. Nice faux hair girl.
###BEST MALE R&B PERFORMANCE John Legend Ordinary People
MARIAH CAREY performance loved her microphone coated in bling. She was the second flawless live performance in the show. And I’m glad to see she how fabulous she looked. She did We Belong Together and Fly Like A Bird…and when the choir came out I was all goose bumps and shivers. I knew she was getting ready for the sky high notes..and she hit them all p e r f e c t l y. I could have cried.
Terri Hacher looked crazy…like she just finished mud wrestling with Pam Anderson.
###BEST POP VOCAL ALBUM Kelly Clarkson Breakaway. “I don’t know what’s going on?! I’m all cried out” So charmingly honest during her acceptance speech.
The Desperate Housewives-esque commercial with Edie and Bree was fabulous. But I could have done without the pinball rolling around in the maxi-pad that followed in the next commercial. Eeek.
When did JENNA ELFMAN get so hot? She usually looks so freakin’ frumpy. Her dress was WHITE HOT!
FAITH HILL & KEITH URBAN He just looks dirty. Keith Lionel Urban, for Christ sake, it’s the goddamn Grammy awards. Buy a jacket, fix your hair, and shave. I’m tired of the bangs that Faith constantly sports, aren’t you? She needs a a fag (or a different fag) doing her hair.
I think Santana needed some lip gloss and a Xanax. He sped through his speech about Mo Ostin at lightning pace.
###BEST RAP SONG COLLABORATION Jay-Z feat Linkin Park for Numb/Encore
Good to see Dave Chappelle. Glad he was able to joke about things.
SLY STONE TRIBUTE by JOSS STONE, JOHN LEGEND, VAN HUNT, etc. Their warmup sounded like the beginnings of church hollerin. Damn I love JOSS STONE. FANTASIAS screaming shook my Soul bone. MAROON 5 and CIARA we’re ok. WILL.I.AM shouldn’t have rapped to “Dance To The Music” STEVEN TYLER is what the Grim Reaper looked like before he died. But when Sly walked out with a bleached blonde mohawk and the best lizard-back jacket I’ve ever seen, I almost dropped a kitten. Immediately after that I became confused when Sly disappeared. Not sure what happened to him. Everyone else seemed to be confused too, or at least they sounded that way. How odd.
Did you see SCARLET JOHANSEN looking very Pris from Blade Runner during that makeup commercial? BEYONCE was wearing some similar hideousness on her eyes too.
L.L. COOL J is too muscle bound. I think he needs to Slim Fast it a bit and stop licking his lips so damn much.
I didn’t need to see JAY Z and LINKIN PARK again. Yuck. And then out walks PAUL MCCARTNEY during a broken version of “Yesterday”. Double yuck.
Tom Hanks needs a haircut. Big foreheads do not favor long locks. So does Bruce Springsteen. Where are all the hair homos? Was every single one in New York for Fashion Week? Bruce Springsteen sounded quite good for the low-key song he sang tho.
The trio of DESTINY’S CHILD looked absolutely gorgeous.
###SONG OF THE YEAR U2 Sometimes you can’t make it on your own. (but they played a clip of we belong together for a few seconds!)
Halftime At The Grammys? What in the f#$k was that about? It was so painful. There’s seven minutes of my life I’ll never get back.
Again I ask you, where did SHERYL CROWS breasts go? She makes a cute couple with STING who was looking hot. Sting is who Bono wishes he could be.
###RECORD OF THE YEAR Green Day Boulevard of Broken Dreams
HERBIE HANCOCK and CHRISTINA AGUILERA did a fabulous duo. She looked drop dead gorgeous for a change. I actually believe they gave the best performance of the entire evening.
FIONA APPLE looked enchanting.
###BEST NEW ARTIST John Legend
The In Memoriam section was fast, but we saw Robert Moog in there, which I was hoping for. And they gave Luther only a few SECONDS. Which was terrible.
Woah QUEEN LATIFAH. Girl, why were you wearing a tire on your waist?
###ALBUM OF THE YEAR U2 How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb
There you have it. My Grammy stream of consciousness report.