radiopeter

The last couple days have been chill in-extremis. I’ve had the chance to catch up on life, the normal cleaning duties of my apartment, and some tasty cooking. But while I’ve been at home for nearly 48 hours solid, I’ve also found the time to get inside my head much more than usual.

Previously I had appointment after appointment to whisk me from here to there. Gotta do this, gotta see that person, gotta be there for that. None of that has happened in the last two days and I’m thankful.

Sorta.

Cleaning, or perhaps just scrubbing floors, makes me think. Everything from the last boy I kissed, to my upcoming iPhone purchase are on my mental radar. But at the top of the list, and the reason for the title of this post, is the baggage that I’m holding onto for dear life. And it’s a bag of shit that I really do need to let go of.

The problem is that there is no recycle bin on the desktop of my mind.

Would someone please invent one? How awesome would it be to choose the kinds of things you’d like to permanently forget? I’m not saying I’d trash my past. It has made me who I am. But there are a few things here and there that I wouldn’t mind editing out. If for no other reason than they creep up every now and again, when scrubbing floors for instance, and I just want the memories to go away.

Lately it has to do with confrontations among my tight circle of friends. Let me define the people I call friends. Friends are guys/girls I’ve never slept with. Friends are the people I call when I need to cry, or who call me when they need a shoulder. Friends keep secrets, even from each other. Friends are few and far between. Friends are next in line after family.

My ultra tight circle of friends has managed to lie to my face, betray my trust, and go overboard with drama recently. It is sickening me. Time will heal the situation, but I can’t shake how it feels so similar to a big blow-out that happened a few years back. One day I had six close friends who I would have died for. The next day, because of some drama, I had four. A month later I had two.

Time never healed those wounds, and they are smarting. Would that I could press a button and make the hurt disappear. But I can’t. So I gotta keep on waiting for the brighter days. Cajmere and Dajae sang it right when “Brighter Days” dropped in 1992.

Brighter days
I’m looking for a brighter day

I’m feeling so blue
I need a place to run and hide
Relax a while and clear my mind
And dream of brighter days

Lift me up, when I’m down
Pick me up off the ground
Turn my frowns into a smile
Make my life more worthwhile

This entry was posted on Saturday, July 5th, 2008 and is filed under blogpost. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.