(PS Now he has his thumbs and can order pizzas and open tuna cans on his own!)

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Rest in peace, dear Meo.

I want one, I need one, I will have one.

Peter, we need to get our iPads together once they’ve materialized into our hot little hands!!

Great to see you back podcasting again! I’m sorry to hear about the layoff being sooner than you expected, but I completely agree with you in terms of it being an opportunity for a whole new adventure! And it sounds like you’ve found a field that you’ll get a lot of satisfaction from. I wish you all the best in school and beyond! Keep podcasting!

Give me a shout if you wanna see a pic, just don’t tell the gallery I took one.

@Troy: For realz. And for the millionth time, why aren’t you blogging?! Go forth and create something on blogger mister. You oughta!

Still, it is shocking that gay men were the only group for whom HIV infection rates were rising last year. The sero-conversion rate shot up for gay men under 30 in particular. Outrage is an understandable, indeed, necessary reaction. Some people may say your blog post is “insensitive” or whatever, others may say it’s stigmatizing. But millions of dollars are being pumped into pharmaceutical ads selling a healthy, beautiful, fun HIV-positive life to gay men, so these criticisms shed crocodile tears for a supposed stigmatization that largely no longer exists for well off predominantly white men. If this were the 1980s, it would be a different story. Everyone in the first world now thinks HIV is a manageble disease, which it may be, but none of those pharmaceutical commercials tell you about what constant diarrhea will do to your sex life. But anyone living with these symptoms would be the first to tell you that HIV/AIDS is shitty, so you’re saying nothing new on this count.

My critique of what you’ve written here, which I think is quite passionate and good otherwise, is that you miss the point entirely about what sex is about, and you therefore miss the point entirely as to why HIV happens in general, and to gay men in particular. I used to share your opinion. That we just needed to shout from the rooftops how insane our culture is, until I learned that the people doing all the shouting weren’t paying close attention to the lives they were trying to save.

Current statistics reveal that gay men all need a reality check. We need to ask ourselves why. Why when supposedly “everyone” — and especially gays — know how to prevent HIV infection — condoms — is the virus experiencing a resurgence? In a word: condoms suck. We all know it. It was once the dirty little secret of those who dared to bareback, or remembered butt sex in the 70s, but it’s not so secret anymore considering that bareback porn is now 70% of all porn that’s made. The companies that sell us our sexual fantasies know that somewhere, deep inside, we all want condomless sex. Maybe we call this intimacy; maybe we pretend to one another that it’s monogamy, but that little love bug creeps in and gives us a nudge and everything you know about safe sex goes out the window! What’s worse, we then feel guilty, fueling a cycle of depression and repression. The fact is that condoms tear our anal lining making anal sex less pleasurable and less easy. They are also awkward to put on, disrupt the mood, and the smell and taste of latex is disgusting. In the long history of evolution, the very fact that gay men use condoms so often is astonishing. Never in the history of mamalian life has a group within a species affected a behavioral change that is so closely related to instinctive reproductive functions. In some small sense our desire for bareback is rational: we seek an avoidance of pain or memories of pain. But this desire is not entirely rational either. Have you ever asked someone when he’s about to rim your ass why he wants to do it? Or why he think’s it’s fun to suck your dick? No, of course you haven’t because it’s a stupid question. It asks for a rationality for something which, even if it is somewhat premeditated or rational, does not entirely pertain to logic but more to compulsion, unexplored desires, dark territories of the mind, and blind spots of human consciousness. Your viewpoint attempts to rationalize something incredibly spontaneous and empirically widespread in the history of our species.

All of my above analysis holds true for the sort of highly educated person who is reflective and thinks about his desires and knows a bit about gay history. You understand that this is a very tiny portion of the men who have buttsex, right? I’m not saying people are stupid, but based on an informal survey of comments on youtube or Xtube videos, Craigslist posts, personals ads, etc, most people are quasi-literate and maybe even pseudo-comatose. Hardly anyone thinks historically about problems or their own lives.

So: what do you suggest we do? Condoms suck and yet we’ve had the same design for centuries. Frequent testing is a hassle, and it’s scary to face that test every 2 months. Nurses and Doctors, though well-intentioned, are totally idiotic when they design risk assessment surveys. Questions they do not ask everyone in their study designs to assess risk: Did he cum inside your hole? How long did he fuck you? Did you douche first? Do you normally bleed after anal sex? Did you use a condom first, get frustrated and then switch to bareback? All these activities are understudied or not studied at all, and they may contribute significantly to ones suceptibility to infection. Condoms are highly regulated by the Federal Govt. and are not even officially approved by the FDA for use in anal sex. On no condom package in this country will you find instructions on how to use a condom for anal sex.

Most of gay culture is a cult of youth and beauty, so it’s fairly hard to make an argument to young gays that living to the age of 80, as a gay man, is an envious pursuit. Most would literally rather die. Those who live that long have witnessed all their friends die. How do you market old age to youth?

Even gay marriage will not prevent the spread of HIV because we all know gay monogamy is a comedic farce. Many gay men in California are already divorced! Indeed, if gay marriage increases the likelihood of unprotected butt sex, it will also increase our collective risk pool for HIV infection. In other words gay marriage may provide a false sense of security, allowing the epidemic to rage even more hardcore than it’s already raging.

I don’t mean to end on an apocalyptic note. Until there’s a cure, we have to do some serious thinking about this though. Otherwise our generation will be another casualty in the sad history of this terrible virus.

I also had a friend who was HIV positive and completely became enraged at the world and did nothing but destroy himself by refusing his meds, refusing help with the other aspects of his life like managing his finances or cleaning his house. He completely cut everyone out of his life. The last time I saw him, he had AIDS. I don’t know how or where he is today.

My good friend who is engaged thinks it’s NOT OK to be HIV positive, but he is working everyday to BE OK with it. My other friend also thought that it was NOT OK to be HIV positive, but he never worked on being OK with it. I think herein lies the difference.

I agree with what Billy said, it’s OK to be OK with being HIV positive. I think this is where the pride should come from: having come to terms that the disease has become a part of one’s being, and being able to move forward, striving to live the healthiest way possible.

I AM HIV Positive and I say that without guilt and am NOT ashamed of it.

It is more than OK for me to say “It’s OK for me to be HIV Positive.” Why would it not be? If it is NOT OK for me to say that, will it help me get rid of it? Nope. I tried. But while it is OK for ME to be HIV Positive, it is not OK for YOU to BECOME HIV positive and that’s what I’m fighting for. To say that it’s NOT OK to say it’s OK to be HIV positive labels the rest of my life as unacceptable and that in itself is unacceptable.

Living without a disease is SOOOO far better than living with one.

I believe that a part of HIV education that would work is the one that everyon sees as taboo and, as I will expand upon in a moment, is a double edged sword that unfortunately cuts the patient. People who are so blase about getting HIV mistakenly consider it a treatable disease. They have friends on meds who lead a normal life. When and where did a life scheduled by pills, knowing every bathroom on your day’s route because diarrhea is your new roommate, and learning to live with that tingling in your lips become normal?

I have HIV: That should be it – How is not an issue

Comments found on dating (or yes, hook up) websites like “HIV Neg as of 8-17-09 and plan to stay that way” baffle me. Are you looking for a trophy or did you truly set out to tell HIV positive people that you consider them irresponsible dredges of society? I recently had a conversation with Jim Pickett of AIDS Foundation of Chicago who agreed with my lament that it is so annoying how preventing HIV doesn’t seem to be possible without vilifying someone who is positive and painting them as having, how did you put it, done “some incredibly stupid things” which says to me that you get HIV by stupid things including bareback sex, etc.

I’m HIV Positive from a needle stick accident when I was drawing blood from an HIV positive patient and the needle sliced my surgical glove.

I really should have known better than to engage in such a stupid activity such as health care. But I’ll live with the consequences of my wrecklessness for the rest of my life…. It’s what I deserve. Now I know you didn’t say or even hint at implying that Peter, but since we’re talking community, I want to include all the things that have been presented to me. It pains me that so many in the community that was originally blamed for this disease (it was called Gay Cancer in the beginning) still equate HIV with wrecklessness. Before the stick I practiced safe sex religiously. I didn’t even get to have fun to get it. I know, bad timing on a joke, but I’m assumed to have gotten it by sex, but that’s incorrect.

The oddest twists, I think, from my becoming HIV Positive are:

I’m healthier now than I ever have been in my life. I do NOT say that in support of becoming HIV positive, but I pay so much more attention to my health now than I did before

and

When i was negative, I dated two HIV positive people. I had been in health care for nearly a decade and I knew how to be smart, safe and still enjoy a relationship. Now that I’m positive, I really don’t know if I could date someone who is negative. Discrimination? hardly. But if my negative partner somehow got this from me…. I would die and would never be able to forgive myself.

A friend of mine and I (also Positive) call it being a member of the club.
I’m HIV Positive and a member of the club and that’s OK because there ain’t shit you or I can do about it.

You are HIV Negative and I hereby deny you access to this club. We’re in here and can’t leave, but we don’t want you in here crowding the place. If, God forbid, you ever become inducted into the club through fun or un-fun methods, we’ll be here and we’ll welcome you and help you. But for now, you’re not welcome here.

I am HIV Positive and Proud. Proud of being HIV Positive? As so many gay activists say, being gay is part of them, not what defines them.

I do applaud you for this post though. If people don’t speak candidly with respect neither side can hear and hopefully understand the other. And while some of my post (which I seem to have mistakingly referenced as short, may have come across direct, it was said in the same spirit as your post was given.

See you Thursday!

On my own blog and in my monthly Gay Chicago column, I try to illuminate issues that have shaped MYSELF as a positive man. I do think that it is okay to be okay with being HIV positive. In order to survive and to thrive, those who are positive HAVE to learn to be okay with their disease. There is no other choice in order to have a full life. When I meet someone newly diagnosed, it IS okay to let them know that it is okay.

As a community we DON’T discuss HIV like we should. I think that is evident in your encounter with the young Chilean. We ARE inundated with images of heroic figures rock climbing while on HAART therapy. It is a problem. I too have been stunned by things I have heard people say. Thoughtless, uneducated ramblings about topics they know nothing about. Why should they know? We don’t talk about it.

The long and short is, I think what you are saying is valid. It may sound off-center, off-putting, but I don’t believe the heart of it is ill-intentioned. You want people to know it’s no joke to have a disease. It doesn’t go away. I am negative. I want to stay that way. You seem to want so desperately for people to make the “right” decision. And hey, having a disease is no picnic, undetectable or not. But people sometimes make baffling choices. Some WANT to be infected. Some want to stay healthy. Some are “mad as hell, and they’re not going to take it anymore!” Good for you. Be careful to stay in “I” language, though. Believe me, making public generalizations has brought me some trouble, so I speak from experience.

I wish you the best. If you ever find that you are no longer negative, I will let you know, wholeheartedly, that it is, indeed, okay.

Sincerely,
Billy Minshall

I would caution you and your readers (for different reasons) that as they go read these blogs, please don’t fall into the class of people that are the bane of healthcare worker’s existence… the people who say “Why can’t you just……” and fill in their obviously correct method of patient care because that’s what worked for Aunt Bessie.

Healthcare is not an exact science. Yes, there are exacts and absolutes in there, but Pill A may not work with my body chemistry the exact same way that it would work with Peter’s. So while Doctor’s and Nurses hold a great body of knowledge, a large portion of that body is not the absolutes, it’s the knowledge that helps them make educated guesses without (hopefully) killing someone.

The reason I write this is that I’ve made a couple of prior nursing entries on my blog and some of my more memorable patients are part of my stand up routine. Invariably someone comes along and has a worst case scenario from when Uncle Daddy was in the hospital. I just listen, smile, and plot out how I would titrate their IV to not kill them, but make them lose the power of speech… bwah ha ha ha ha haaaaaa

Thanks for the kind words Chris, and I think as I progress, you can be sure I’ll be reaching out to ask the bizarre-yet-necessary questions that will pop up.

P.S.
when/if you do get in, impress your clinical instructor by knowing ahead of time that if you put a patient with a history of ‘projectile poop’ lay a towel over them just to be safe…. Old Faithful ain’t got nothin’ on some patients!

Yeah yeah yeah people, nursing can be gross… he needs to learn..

This is totally a song to listen to in the dark.

I like that line.

And yay for DVR’s. Where would we be without them?!